Hope fells
by Sapphire1112
Summary: Set after 'To Brighton, to Brighton'. Jack's physical wound from 'Lift up your hearts' healed up...but is he really ok? I do not own the characters.


**Hope fells**

"_Argh!_" Jack yelled as loudly as he could, throwing a stone into the lake. The people surrounding him stared. "Sorry" he mumbled.

"You alright, mate?" a kindly looking gentleman asked.

"Fine, thanks." The embarrassed young Irishman answered kicking another piece of gravel with his foot and he off he ran - as fast as he could.

Finally, when he was far enough away from difficult questions, he collapsed onto the sheep-filled grass with his head in his hands. His tormented mind drifted back to the discussion with Nikki the other day. They had been working on a case in Brighton and she had been anxious. It turned out that she thought she was pregnant and didn't know how to tell Matt. Jack had helped her – of course he had. She was his best friend and he would do anything for her, so he had given her his advice but secretly he was gutted. She admitted later that it had been a false alarm, but it was still felt like the knife he'd been stuck with a few months ago.

If Nikki had been pregnant, Jack would have been happy for her. When she had admitted that the test was negative, he could see how much she had wanted her 'last-chance' baby. She was too old, she said for it to happen again. If fact, she had more or less accepted that motherhood wasn't going to be a part of her life before this.

The thing was, if Nikki was thinking about having a baby with Matt – and he knew they had now talked about it, then it showed just how serious she was about him - and how much she loved him. Matt was 'the one'.

"That used to be _me_" Jack thought bitterly. It had been and before this, Jack had hoped to be her 'one' again. He loved her so much and she had loved him, but the events in Mexico had changed things.

Their friendship had suffered massively. It was frosty, awkward and for a long time, Jack couldn't even look her in the eye. Nikki had found _that_ devastating and Jack knew it. He had been so ashamed that he hadn't been able to find her - save her and his guilt overtook. He hadn't been able to see how much she needed him and he had let her down badly by not being there for her. That was one of the things Nikki struggled with. He was in her hospital notes by name. 'disconnection. Jack.' . The situation was made even worse when during her first case back, Nikki had ended up with a bloodied nose because she was trying to stop him from fighting with the suspect. He hadn't been able to forgive himself for that - not until events during another case led to him reading her hospital notes. Seeing his own name as one of her main struggles had killed him inside.

When Jack found out that Nikki was suffering with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, he was finally able to see beyond his guilt and _realised_ how much she needed him. Then Matt turned up – and was nearly taken away from her again during that case. Jack was supprortive when Matt went missing and when he was found alive, Jack was happy that Nikki had someone. He liked Matt. Selfishly, though he still had hopes that it would eventually peter out – gently so that neither of them got hurt, but he longed to be able to have a future with her. The future he no longer deserved.

Now he was losing hope. This latest development had devastated Jack so much that when work had finished, he just got in his car and drove. He had been driving all night and all day, stopping at service stations for little breaks and the occasional disturbed nap. He had no idea where he was aiming for until each service station he arrived at. He just got further and further away from home, from the Lyell centre. From Nikki.

Here he was in Keswick. It had taken so long to get here and he just felt worse. It would take him equally as long to get back and he was sure that he would no longer have a job when he did. His phone had been ringing off the hook. 52 missed calls from Thomas, 75 from Clarissa, 83 from Nikki and 5 from Clarissa's husband Max – though that was sure to increase. The latter had obviously been instructed to try calling him after Jack had ignored all the other calls. Thomas, Clarissa and Nikki gave up leaving messages ages ago – text messages and voice-mails. Jack needed to think – something that was not coming easily to him. Part of him worried that the police might turn up – technically he had gone missing, was not responding to any calls and this was out of character for Jack Hodgson.

The longer he sat there, the more negative his thoughts became and eventually it dawned on him that this was probably about more than Nikki and Matt's relationship. It must be deeper than that because, the way he had acted since the discussion was not rational. What was happening to him?

He was distraught to of lost his chance at being romantically involved with Nikki, though it was certainly his own fault. The way he had behaved towards her after she nearly died in Mexico had changed their friendship forever. Even though things were back to how they were between them, they were not quite the same. His actions had damaged them irreversibly.

His phone rang repeatedly. Thomas, Clarissa, Max. Thomas, Clarissa, Max. Jack ignored it. He was too afraid to speak to them. Thomas, Clarissa, Max. No Nikki. She'd given up on him then. He started sobbing.

It wasn't just Nikki he had lost...he'd lost him too. He could no longer trust himself – personally or professionally, and he was starting to wonder if he ever really had. He didn't understand why he felt like this – or why he'd run away. He just seemed to mess everything up and now not even his best friend wanted him.

Jack sniffed miserably through his tears and rubbed his fresh scar – this time it was not caused by cage-fighting and the actual physical wound wasn't what threw him. It was still quite prickly at times, but that's not what kept going around his head. What he couldn't come to terms with was how easily it had happened. That really freaked him out – even all these months after the event. He was so tired of waking after nightmares – of worrying that it might happen again.

Jack was a 6 foot 2 cage fighter. He was meant to be the 'strong' one – the protector of the Lyell team. How could he admit that he was turning into a wimp? His two 'escapes' were gone. Nikki might still be around but she spent all her spare time waiting for Matt to call. They used to have such fun in the evenings, Jack and her- staying at his – pizza, film, falling asleep...He could talk to Nikki about anything. She never wanted to now because he'd been replaced. No. That was unfair. Nikki kept trying to spend the evening with him.

It was him that didn't want to – or rather he didn't want her to see him crying, which was how he seemed to spend his 'down time' these days. Crying for no reason. Jack had shut down completely – and retreated into himself. He'd pushed everyone he cared about away – much like Nikki had done at one point after Mexico, but there was a good reason for that. She had Post-traumatic Stress Disorder after being trapped underground in a box for hours on end in a foreign country.

Jack had been stabbed and it was only a superficial injury – how could anyone possibly compare the two? They can't.

As for the cage-fights – his other escape, he'd never won a fight since he got knifed and eventually he'd stopped going. He just didn't see the point in anything any more and after the discussion with Nikki, he had just wanted to run and run. That's how he'd ended up here.

He couldn't go back...he probably didn't have a job any more and how could he face his friends – especially Nikki. Not after he'd abandoned ship like this – abandoned _her._

"She probably hates me" he thought. That was something he couldn't bear. He'd have to stay here, at least the sheep wouldn't judge his terrible actions.

His phone beeped with a text message from Nikki. Well, she was still talking to him then - in a manner of speaking. He dried his eyes, held his breath and opened the message, fully expecting the angry words it was sure to contain. He hand was ready to throw the phone in the lake in distress.

'_Sweetheart, I understand what's going on. Please tell me where you are. You don't have to be ok all the time. Its alright not to be 'ok'. Please talk to me. Its just you and me. Please come home. Please. x'_

She understood...how could she possibly understand when he didn't? Suddenly he was desperate to hear her voice. Dare he ring her?


End file.
